Just Finished My 22nd Lap Around The Sun

Intro: I’m making it an annual thing to publish some self realization post to tell what I’ve learned those 365/6 days about myself. At the end it’s suggestive advice if you’d like to skip right to it.

On my journey to 23 I found myself Surrendering. I’m giving up in the best way, I’m always hard on myself but for what?! As I went through 2020 I have realized it’s not a correct way to do any of this shit! You know how much of 2020 was made up? Stuff we never seen or was told was irrational, “CrAzy”, was done to compensate for the limit being pushed. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT!?!

And even with compromise, or what’s the word? Like when you have no script… Impromptu! ass plans to keep everything copacetic in theory everything still failed, but we got through it.

I say this to say progress is made up, success is made up, I had to talk myself through the fact wanting more is perpendicular to greed for essentially no reason[maybe because we see extreme greed sprout from humble beginnings]. Especially since my want for comfort doesn’t call for others to have less. In addition to what I’ve been gauging “success” by, others… so I had to realize the beating path of “others” also has nothing to do with ME. On top of the fact most of the time I’ve advanced, so I shouldn’t knock that because it’s not what I’ve been taught advancement was, ideally, in the worse way.

All these years I’ve been very satisfied with what is me and I just got the urge to do “better“. What is better though? (present tense update: Better in this case was to focus on myself, I sucked. It was so much I was tired of accepting or splitting my focus with. I couldn’t be my best “writer” so that’s where the feeling of being stuck came from. I was ready for that advancement creativity that had surpassed my individuality already) I don’t know exactly but I do know it isn’t what I am now. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing either, I’m not saying this to imply I’m beating myself up cause I am not. I’ve “enjoyed” every aspect that has got me here. But I assume as I’ve gotten older I just want to experience peace instead of pressure. The pressure don’t even be courtesy of me being proud of myself but more so to prove my abilities to— those who usually don’t even give a **** about me. Truly.

I’m always anticipating something, I passively wasn’t giving a **** and it was taking just as much of a toll on me as if I were to stress over life due to unhappyness. A lot of habits I’ve developed stopped bringing me security, because it was never joy. And now I feel unguarded. I want to experience long term tranquility.

Suggestive Advice: Recognize progress is progress! I keep telling myself “I’m spoiled by desire and expectation.” Meaning my ability to want outweighs my appreciation and effort sometimes, not to say that I’m ungrateful. While my expectations give me a false sense of what is, to be. In my case I was eager to progress in a grand way that could be showcased to where I didn’t pay attention to the fact my “progress” might just be this journey of becoming more self aware/experiencing long term tranquility. As I’ve taken the time to work on, dedicate sincerity to, myself I’ve realized it’s “easier” for me to create, when I’m not confused. So the point is consider everything progress whether you like it or not. Don’t dismiss your progress because it isn’t “ideal” to what you believe progress is for real, you’re just discrediting yourself.

☆彡praise n blessings☆彡

Wishing everybody much Peace x Joy x Prosperity Always, All ways. -Aunty

you can read about my last lap here and check out my favorite 2020 post.