I’m unamused, unimpressed, and uninterested with my space. I can only influence and or inspire myself so much.
I want to elevate so badly in so many instances/aspects but I’m aware I am lacking something that’s causing me not to know how. So in the meantime I’ve just been floating and not focused while trying to gather inspiration from, unfortunately that has been resulting in my silence because I have nothing to say since I can’t even comprehend the feelings of much of nothing along with what life means at this time for me. The irritation gathered from all of this is draining also but fortunately even if it’s empty ideas I figure I keep spit balling them in the hopes everything will start flowing, again, although I don’t know what happens to be.
I’ve outgrown (or I’m more so in the process of outgrowing) myself and I appreciate that but I’ve realized I don’t know how to be in control of what I want and the funny thing about that is as I write this I’ve come to the conclusion that’s probably the point. To let life. I can’t explain the emptiness I’m feeling it’s in no regards of creativity either I know it’s a transition though, to transcend whatever that means it sounds like it goes with what I’m saying though. I suppose I’m supposed to be learning something right now yet I’m so focused on what I’m not doing/feeling I can’t enjoy the process I’m being put through having time to “learn”, realize, rationalize, and or discover to help me create as I do nothing because I’m ANXIOUS … to execute.
I assume I shouldn’t shut myself down but since I write on what I know & feel if I’ve given all the knowledge I have gained in this lifetime of mine at this time… I have nothing to enlighten you with, If I feel no ways so it’s nothing to talk about resulting in nothing at all and I’m better than that. So you see how I grow irritated with the process. I feel free and pointless at the same time and I’m so okay with it the flow of, “nothing”, I’m comfortably uncomfortable with the fact I’m not learning when in fact I’m just simply living.
I can’t believe I don’t know what I’m doing right now captured by idris_is_nooice
As I reread this I also figure this process is scary to me since I’ve come to the current end of and I’m on my way to my next journey of what just might be content expansion but I’m so focused on my purpose not being fulfilled without my satisfaction when really I need not forget It’s still more to come.
Once you get over it the first time you’ll either realize it wasn’t that bad or you’ll put in the effort to not feel that way again.
Every time I publish a set of words I hate them and I start to hate the publishing completely. Rarely do I ever feel like “Wow this is good!” and even when I do by the time I’m finish.. I hate it. I feel like it loses it’s value. I feel like it’s whack! I could’ve done better, I’m lacking what others possess so easily, yet I still put it out.
Why do I still put it out content I don’t feel sure about? Because first off I know sometimes it’s just me excepting myself to be so great off the rip. Realistically how am I suppose to get better without the advances to learn.
It’s many elements I know I lack because I keep going, if I didn’t have proof my words from late 2016 are far more poorly put together I wouldn’t be proud of how far the structure of my words have come as time has progressed.
I knew what I didn’t have, I knew what had the potential to discourage me, I knew what everyone else had, I knew when I started I’d be a mess, but I also knew for sure I’d be good at what I wanted to do, I knew what I had to say held weight! SO I encourage everyone to “make it happen” regardless of circumstances and build, try.
After my 2016 go at things 2017 had me feeling like “okay, I’m good at this” according to the elements of my 2018 set of publishing’s the literacy of 2017 probably truly sucked but I would’ve never had the opportunity to value the structure of what I’ve been putting out 2019. I’ve learned so much forcing myself to step in front of “embarrassment”, even though I feel admirable of my ability to execute my craft and or put things together YEARS! Later. I have had the opportunity to notice everything else I need to work on to elevate me even higher.
Essentially the point is to not weaken yourself or contribute to your stagnation because you don’t want to be embarrassed, eventually it’ll become a moment you can laugh at to only smile at your strength.
I’m referring to this as “embarrassment” but as I finalize this I’m realizing that It’s the feeling of being mediocre that is what’s embarrassing and that’s okay because with time you’ll develop the ability to be as great as you desire to be. I also suppose how things are to be perceived by others can have you on the fence but remember everything isn’t for everybody.
I always stress to be yourself when it comes to building a foundation of support and love from people around you.
Be yourself for yourself.
The best thing you can do is be yourself, if you aren’t true to yourself you can’t expect people to be true to you. They don’t know you. They’re simply acting accordingly according to how you act and present yourself.
You shouldn’t have to jeopardize your self identity in order to justify someones presences in your life.
As people we overlook our habit of feeling so entitled to someones presence who is a present to us! We selfishly deprive ourselves of our own independent happyness to assure we experience some people who are simply not meant for us. We become addicted to the “ideally” and disregard the gift of thinking realistically.
“Do yourself a favor and reveal the real you so you can be loved and embraced correctly instead of accordingly”
All this, like everything else is very much so easier said than done. Which is understandable because once you realize that person or people don’t necessarily care for the “real” you… it’s a feel of disappointment. Why does one feel disappointed by simply being themselves? They let who is “important” to them down in a sense, although that individual has nothing to do with you as an individual of your own.
That’s why I stress! To be yourself people are either going to respect it or neglect it and it’s nothing you can do about that, but value the people who rock with you in your purest form.
As a kid I kept getting thrown this particular lesson. None of the people I really wanted to be friends with cared for me because I was “weird” so I built up this persona to fit in and it kind of caused more grief than I’m sure I wouldn’t have had if I just accepted they didn’t care for me. What really made me realize this was when someone so important to me just disappeared out of my life after aligning myself to be everything they were eager for. That situation made me grow up and stopped caring and forced me to take accountability to the fact I wasn’t being myself.
I felt like if someone I’d give the world to didn’t see the importance in me while capturing everything they thought was important.. what else did I have to lose?
Some people won’t be able to grasp or respect the transition once you have such an epiphany, they’ll just feel like you’re changing when really you’re growing. Being you. The outcome of the transition can be so heartbreaking but also help you develop a strength of self so remarkable and pure it’s worth it.
I made up this saying a few years ago “I don’t think I’m anything, I know I’m everything.” and I like to reiterate it with “and everything isn’t for everybody!” which is just that.
Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity.
We often “speak for” with the idea we know although we haven’t lived through to experience. When really the most we can do is listen and understand in most instances while not invalidating perceptions, feelings, and truths because they don’t correlate with the idea we’ve developed ourselves from the outside looking in. To respect, acknowledge, and try to be receptive the best we can are little steps that can embark big change.
The point is to bring “awareness” not saying anyone who participated in this is a victim but to shed light on “how it feels…” because every feeling counts.
So I ask “How does it feel to be Dark Skin in America?”
“For a long time I hated it! I didn’t necessarily hate my skin… I hated what people associated with my skin color! Since I’m not and never were the negative things people said and thought about people with darker skin.”
“Being dark skin in America feels like being an alien… we get degraded and passed up on, I used to hate being dark skin I heard every joke in the book, especially from guys. We’re always compared to a person of lighter skin tones, we have to work twice as hard to look good because we’re dark skin, and people only like dark skin people right now because we’re a trend. We started embracing ourselves and now everybody wants parts of that. I get told “yeah you’re cute, for a dark skin.” when in reality I’m cute as fuck period! We are in our category, in our own race… we get racially profiled the most as well [a perfect example would be the skin chart from family guy implying that the darker skin are most likely to have done, anything].”
“As a dark skin male in America I feel the light colored skin tones are appreciated more, we are more prone to stereotypes (law enforcement/police brutality) and people at times are scared of me or already formed an opinion before even meeting me due to the color of my skin”
“I guess I’m what people consider “brown skin” I think I’m just black. I’m just a Black Girl. When I was younger all the boys at school would say I’m “burnt toast” and I’d be confused like ” I’m brown but I’m not dark skin. It got to a the point I hated it and wanted to be light skin so bad. I still wanted my blackness, I just wanted to be light. Because of that I was able to notice my own colorist ways and changed it, I love my brown skin! It can be dark it can be whatever but I don’t want it to be a “wave”. For example Darker girls are only “the wave” on social media or if they have certain features. The objective is to love our Black beauty no matter how light or dark it is. Let’s rid the community and the world of those terms all together
“Growing up I never really considered myself “dark” or any other complexion I just always assumed I was just “Black” no in between. As I got older going through school that’s when other kids would refer to me as “dark” when comparing me to them or just in general. I started to realize the term being used within my own family and how they used it to describe people with deeper skin tones. At the time it didn’t make me feel any way, until I started to get the “You’re pretty for a black girl.”, “You’re cute for a dark skin”, “I don’t usually talk to dark skins but I would talk to you.” that shit really did get under my skin after a while because I don’t get why my skin color has to be mentioned at all. My facial features are my facial features and I would look like this no matter what shade my skin was in…So if I was lighter would they have told me ” You’re cute for a light skin girl”? I highly doubt it. Which was the most annoying part because to me it was like “You’re treating me different than you would treat someone else or who is lighter than me” but I eventually stopped caring about it though. At this point I feel like it’s a lot of complexion slander now a days where every complexion talks about each other and essentially it’s all just non sense. I don’t know who, why, or what deemed it necessary that each culture must have some type of complexion shaming in order to have certain people feel superior than others that are the same ethnicity as them but it’s happening and it’s keeping us divided as Black people. All I know is no matter who you are, what you look like, or how dark your skin is you are no less or no more than anybody else on this doomed ass earth. We all breathe the same polluted ass air so people need to act accordingly and humble themselves and stop acting like skin tone gives them ranking in actual factual life.”
“America’s perception of us hurts, we’re shown almost everyday that our complexion is fear by the rejection we receive, but we we’re born with everything they lack, beauty. The ugly hate they show only makes me love my skin more.”
“Being Dark skin in America is definitely not something I’m ashamed of. I’ve heard all of the stereotypes and jokes about how I’m supposed to be “Ain’t shit” or a “deadbeat”, but it’s just more motivation to be more than that!
“Umm what’s it like being Dark skin, mmm mm, I’ll tell you what it wasn’t like. It wasn’t accepting, it wasn’t loving, it wasn’t peaceful at times, it wasn’t positive, it wasn’t looked at as beautiful, it wasn’t appreciated, it wasn’t… it wasn’t what it is now. I mean that to say a trend, being dark skin is a trend, my dark skin to the next person is a trend, they want to be darker now. When I was younger to be dark skin was considered pretty much a crime. I’ll always remember being constantly teased, looked over, boys always laughing..girls.. you name it. Perfect example is even Lil Kim, a lot of people love to say she went to far with surgery and bleaching her skin but you have to understand when you’re praising self hate in you’re own community and you constantly hear it, you have no choice but to feel like you are different. It’s disgusting that so many people are upset with her appearance now when we’re the reason of her appearance, the reason for her low self esteem, we’re the reason for the self hate. It’s nauseating because it’s like “well how do you expect for me to see the beauty within myself when you don’t even see the beauty within me.” The point is understand when you’re around the hate of people telling you your skin is to dark you automatically start to believe it.
“Being Dark skin in America was difficult. With people not accepting you because you’re a darker complexion, people talking shit because you’re dark, I believe it gets easier to love your skin tone when you’re older. When you’re younger you tend to follow the trend because you don’t know yourself yet. For me it was very hard to love my skin in middle/high school, people talking about me made my self esteem very low and at one point I wished I wasn’t dark. Now you can’t tell me shit! I love my skin, it’s so beautiful, a beautiful even tone, and I will never wish that I was light.
It’s not to many benefits when it comes to suppressing your feelings you only burden yourself in regards of your emotions.
Allow yourself to be furious, allow yourself to be gloomy, allow yourself to be heartbroken, allow yourself to feel betrayed, allow yourself to feel disappointed, just allow yourself to feel.
Feelings aren’t a form of weakness, they are natural expressions.
Emotions push our growth, they help grace the process of a different learning.
When you suppress your feelings you don’t allow yourself to get over it, instead you fall under it. Somethings will always bother you of course it’s life but somethings don’t deserve as much time as others. When you void the process of understanding you become stuck on particular situations trying to understand them instead of just feel and progress.
Resulting in Regression.
Don’t neglect you’re happiness by spending to much time on what makes you grieve.
Wishing everybody much Peace, Joy, and Prosperity! All ways, Always.
I’ve been extremely inconsistent and it’s probably due to the inability to control my emotions.
I’ve been extremely inconsistent and that’s probably how I’ve been able to keep it together although it’s getting hard. I’m overwhelmed by emotions I much rather not acknowledge and with that I feel like individuals have been trying to drain me of my sincerity because they know it’s unconditional. Stuck between a rock and lots of tears since I know changing in order to protect myself would alter how I flow so meaningfully, people deserve me, people deserve to experience my love and their ability to be sacred to me. It gets hard when it’s not appreciated but taken advantage of with no “thank you” even though you don’t need to hear “thank you” because that everlasting passion is you. I do this. All I ask is not to be selfish with it(me) though.
I can’t even be at peace with my actions because I’m considerate of how they’d make others feel although I still do them because I must move forward as everybody else. It’s almost like I can’t enjoy the fruits of my labors.
I struggle with the battle of being open yet unreceptive in the hopes it brings me clarity on how to move forward knowing people don’t care about you unless it’s beneficial for keeping their peace meaning they disregard and destroy yours.
I suppose when you’re willing with your feelings people forget you have them. Not even respecting the process it took for you to get where you were when they disturbed you. Not even respecting that you saw what you seen in them that allowed them in to disturb you. Not even respecting the boundaries you must create in order to get almost to that place you once were when you were comfortable because it’s not the same.
I’ve been inconsistent mixed selfish nonetheless and I don’t feel comfortable apologizing for it because the consistency people desire I desire for myself. I’m now selfish because I’ve been selfless for so long I need help.
I must try to enjoy this journey of “not becoming what unsettled you in the hopes you’ll become better you.”
Wishing everybody MUCH Peace x Joy x Prosperity all ways, always.
Regression! Sometimes you must backtrack to find depth in what went wrong, what feels incorrect, what the next step is. It’s okay to go back to what you know, don’t feel “guilty”. We know ourselves the best, we know the details of our life that shaped us to be who we’ve become, the feelings we push into oblivion, the wants, and everything else.
Periodically we progress so much we lose touch of what would be the next step in our life. That makes us feel uncomfortable, temporarily, due to confusion. What we once knew is now unfamiliar and while we’re stuck in the realm of ourselves we just don’t know.
We get to a point of finding ourselves going back to what started us, out of boredom or even in remembrance, to inspire us to move in the what would be “correct” direction.
In the game of monopoly (in theory) we go around the same board.. however many times just to essentially better ourselves. So if you feel like old versions of you can contribute to a better you, don’t question it.
By all this I mean everything is a butterfly effect as I say often. So in The trickling down of each situation, memory, or feelings you used as a lesson can be recycled to validate other lessons. It can spark the answers to the “why am I?” “Did I stop because…?”, “what am I doing this for?”, questions we feel like we shouldn’t have to actually think to answer. You can rely on feeling, feelings are important but can also be inadequate, especially when you feel nothing.
Now before I get started understand I’m willing to receive a lot of hate in order to defend what I’m fond of , respect me for it ! At least I’ll burn with integrity.
Why do we deem certain types of “Crazy” more acceptable than others? When I say this I’m referring to the “Crazy” of a Man vs the “Crazy” of a Woman, for the most part, in this particular post.
Crazy is Crazy.
“Crazy” can be interpreted many different ways mainly regarding what’s unethical to another! but we forget it holds emotional value we also disregard.
Crazy can triple as an Adjective, Adverb, or Noun
Adjective Definition: 1. Mentally Deranged, especially as manifested in a wild or aggressive way. |Extremely annoyed or angry | foolish
2. Extremely Enthusiastic
Adverb Definition: 1. Extremely.
Noun Definition: 1. A mentally deranged person.
If you take the time to decipher crazy you notice we use it loosely to begin with. So what’s really “crazy” isn’t necessarily “crazy” it’s just blatant stupidity if not contradictory, to another, or goes against someone else’s moral standing as I said in the beginning.
As I get older I realize it’s different categories to “crazy” here’s a few:
Relationship crazy: which deals with the emotional aspect of it all not saying one emotion is superior to the other but when women act out it’s justified as passion, when a man acts out in the same way it’s looked at as outlandish behavior. We disregard that legitimately it was still indeed emotional outrage on either sides of the field causing one to do what, react how, they did.
The mentally ill who shouldn’t really be called crazy since it’s insensitive & most likely they don’t have the proper help, if were being specific.
Serial killer crazy which are just both of the above.
Overall to keep it simplistic and just give you an idea of what I’m getting at:
I love how some women are aggressively rude/toxic towards men, intentionally, w/ the idea that, that can be used to determine their masculinity because they should be able to “handle” it, and if they don’t want to deal with unfavorable behaviors as such they are … less of a man. Then again I assume it’s because it’s some strange rhetoric out there that a “Strong” woman is a woman that deals with the same toxic/rude misbehavior from men out of the sake of “he’s a man”.
I’ve noticed that the world is becoming more specific and that’s fine but we can’t be specific without being precise, knit picking, observing, and being unbiased to figure out the butterfly effect of everything. So I guess this post is more based on our(WoMen) lack to respect emotion equally. I assume it’s because we don’t respect a mans vulnerability while also brushing off a women’s.
If you ended up annoyed that I kept comparing men & women because in your world they aren’t the same I proved my point of double standards because I said in the beginning “crazy is crazy” which was the point. The correct standing of “crazy” can’t be justified depending on the particular gender.
the cover is a still from “Its a thin line between love and hate, 1996
LEARN AS YOU LIVE 